WEBVTT

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There are different ways that people

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interact with the word suicide,
someone dealing with depression engages

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with it in one way; someone
with anxiety engages with it in another.

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But both ways are valid and both
ways are equally as debilitating.

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Like a lot of times, people--

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when they talk about suicide,
it's only in the depression sense,

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you know, coming from the lens
of depression, which is definitely a very

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serious, but a very different experience
than what I--than what I experienced, you

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know. Mine was more so from the lens
of a fear and anxiety.

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And, you know,

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once this fear was established, I started,
you know, having fears and worries

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of things that my mind would
associate with suicide.

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I would see the word suicide,
you know, pop into my head.

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Like, just--just the word.

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And I would--because I was dealing with
anxiety, I would become fearful of that.

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And I guess once my mind was conditioned
to become fearful of that word when it

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popped up, I just always received
that kind of panicked anxiety reaction

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when I--when I experienced
that--that, that visual.

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And this is interesting,

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like with obsessive thoughts and intrusive
thoughts,

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you know, all these things start to feel
real and they're almost like urges.

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But I knew that it wasn't really what I

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wanted to do. It's like the fear
was preparing me for that

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if--if that's what I decided to do.

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It was--it was a really surreal experience.